It goes on they say
Just take it day by day
There will be pain and strife
Or else they wouldnt call it life
I wake up every morning
Wishing you were here
The call that changed my life
Still ringing in my ears
I walk past your room
Without looking in
Trying to remember
You wont be back again
When I reach the kitchen
I fall into my chair
I raise my eyes to your place
Wishing you were there
They tell me to move on
Trudge ahead, push through
But all my mind can think about
Is how I lost you
Your face, haunts my memory
Your smile, my thoughts
And when I dare to think of your laughter
I can barely hold on
I cling to your memory
An anchor that holds me fast
I can barely wait until the day
When we will meet again at last
They tell me it goes on
Take it day by day
But for me, my life ended
The day God took you away
I felt like this poem would have been better if it was more specific. I would have liked to see more particulars about what you loved or reminded you about the person you lost. I thought the broad things you did use were a little generic. I loved the line length and the flow of the poem. The inconsistent rhyme scheme really appealed to me. I also really enjoyed the fact you did not add punctuation. It made it seem like you didn't have energy for corrections because of the toll death has had on you. I really enjoyed that aspect.
ReplyDeleteIn the 6th stanza, I would take out the "dare to". It is unnecessary and makes the flow and line length more consistent with the rest of the poem.
Also, I would add more metaphors. I really liked the one you used in the 7th stanza comparing his memory to an anchor. It made it seem more personal and real. I feel that this poem would benefit from more metaphors. You are being revealing about the pain but I wish there was more openness and clarity of what your relationship with the person was like and why you felt sad.
I really enjoyed reading your poem and felt it very relative.